An Annoying Boss A Bikini, and a fake Illness
by GiftedPunk
Summary: Ruby introduces Emma to an old Storybrooke tradition... What could possibly go wrong? M for later chapters SwanQueen


An: I know. I know. *hangs head in shame & offers profuse apologies* Flipped… but, I've completely lost my mojo & thought a bit light writing might help, or not. Part 1 of 3 (I have no idea when 2 & 3 will be forthcoming)

An annoying boss. A bikini, and a fake illness.

Chapter 1.

An Annoying Boss.

Bear claw and hot chocolate in hand Emma heaved an indignant sigh, the condition of the sheriff's office making it nigh on impossible for any serious police work to be undertaken, adding insult to injury she was positive Madam Mayor had intentionally declined the opportunity of outsourcing the modernisation for no other reason than to revel in the irritation and annoyance it would cause the Sheriff.

Entering the station recent case files were strewn over almost every available surface while older cases littered the floor in mountainous stacks, their only ambition, to reach the dizzying heights of the ceiling. Carefully placing her hot chocolate on the edge of the desk Emma tore an angry bite from a sticky bear claw before dropping heavily into her chair.

Cursing Madam Mayor to the seven depths of hell Emma opened the nearest file with every intention of beginning the tedious task of digitalising the filing system. Instead, whether by providence or by divine intervention, The Black Keys – Howlin' for You had the blonde sheriff reaching for her phone before she'd even made the first keystroke

"Emaaaaaa" Ruby hollered excitedly

Moving her cell, a safe distance from her ear Emma transferred Ruby to loudspeaker hoping this would avoid any further hearing loss

"Rubes?"

"Em. Em. Em." Ruby singsonged "The sun's shining"

"Ok-ay?"

"It's gonna be a glorious day"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, c'mon blondie stop with that ditzy Charming idiot thing you do... It's June 1st?" Ruby all-but spelled out

"Aaand?"

"Aaand, use that beautiful big brain of yours for other things beside thinking about-"

"Ruu-by" Emma growled wracking her brain for an inkling of what Ruby was wittering on about, ultimately coming up short

"Honestly Rubes I can't think of anything, but you sound kind of excited, and my Saviour senses are tingling so…"

"BEACH DAY!" Ruby bellowed

"Beach day?"

"It's tradition"

"What the hell? Since when?"

"Since for-ev-er. Duh! Today's the day we give work the two-finger salute and head down the beach"

"Rubes. Honestly, I can't. I'm literally inundated with mountains of paperwork, and Regina's insistent, she wants the modernisation completed like yesterday. I'm sorry"

"Fuck Mayor Mills, and yes, given half the chance I know you would. Oops did I just say that out loud? My bad"

"Tell me you did not just-" Emma growled another warning

"Geez Em. Ok. Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch. I forgot the first rule of Mayor Mills is: We don't talk about Mayor Mills… So, beach day. The whole town, with exception of Granny and _she who cannot be named_ will be there, it's just another crazy Storybrooke tradition. C'mon Em. Two-finger the Mayor and come to the beach, for me? Pretty please. Aaand that thing about the Mayor sounded waaay better in my head" Ruby giggled

Emma rotated her chair, discouraged by the mountains of files awaiting her attention she slapped her palms on the desk with steely determination

"Fuck it. I'm in. I'll meet you at Granny's in thirty"

"Sweet. Oh, and don't forget to call _she who cannot be named_ " Ruby teased

"Ruu-by"

Quickly saying their goodbyes Emma ended the call, staring nervously at the phone it taunted her from atop her desk. Deep in thought, nibbling the frayed skin around her thumb Emma reached for the device before retracting her hand quickly. Fingers drilling rhythmically against jean clad thighs she practically vibrated as she continued to consider appropriate excuses for the Mayor

 _I think Snow poisoned me with an undercooked ham._

 _I'm suffering from traumatic stress and broken knuckles from punching the filthy pirate after refusing his lecherous advances for the hundredth time._

 _Eating a 7th bear claw wasn't the best idea I've ever had_

 _I couldn't drift back to sleep after an 'Attack of the 50ft Evil Queen' nightmare!_

 _I tossed and turned all night having highly pleasurable and erotic Madam Mayor/Sheriff fantasies (If only she knew)_

 _I have Fairy Tale Lice (Regina would 100% believe this)_

Groaning into her palms Emma was unable to understand exactly how Ruby had managed to talk her into believing ditching work in favour of the beach was a clever idea? When Regina learned the truth, and Emma was in no doubt the shrewd Mayor would discover the truth, and quickly, she'd be lucky to escape with her life. Although, romanticising her death at the hands of Madam Mayor wasn't completely unappealing to the blonde Sheriff; _Hold the fireballs. I'd like delicate open-mouthed kisses traced along my every contour, followed by lightly perspiring bodies entwined in post-coital bliss, neither knowing where one begins or the other ends._

Grabbing her cell Emma drew the unlock pattern across the screen. Finding _Magic Mamacita_ she pressed _call_. Waiting for Regina to answer, she couldn't fathom why, since she'd broken the curse she hadn't changed the contact details of her family and friends to their true identities?

"Sheriff Swan." Madam Mayor answered curtly "To what do I owe the pleasure of this interruption? I trust all is well, and the digitalisation of the filing system is progressing as we previously discussed?"

Emma nibbled the skin around her thumbnail, her go-to nervous tell

"There's a little something that's um… cropped up"

"I'm afraid the over indulgence of Granny's much loved, and coveted bear claws and inferior apple turnovers is hardly a valid excuse for your mediocre performances at the station Sheriff"

 _-Scratch Bear Claws-_

"Are you seriously questioning my bear claw, forbidden fruit eating abilities. Madam Mayor?"

There was a brief pause as Regina's pulse quickened. Panties dampening, she remembered a certain nubile blonde parading before her in nothing more than a skimpy pair of red lace panties, and a slim fitting white vest that clung to her lithe form in all the right places.

"I suppose, I have on occasion had the misfortune to bear witness to your inhalation of the odd bear claw." Regina admitted "As for _forbidden fruit_ … I am afraid I cannot possibly speculate as to your prowess Ms Swan" Regina's voice dropped a gravelly octave "As I have not yet had the pleasure of experiencing your… _indulgence_ of the… Sticky. Moist. Treat"

A sharp intake of breath, and an audible swallow down the receiver pulled Regina's lips into a roguish smile, while Emma stared wide eyed and slack-jawed processing the brunette's less than subtle undertones

"Now Sheriff" Regina broke their moment "As much as I do enjoy our asinine banter I am rather busy, so if you wouldn't mind enlightening me as to the reason for this interruption?"

"Right. Yeah. Right" Emma stammered shaking her head clambering for her wits "Um, there was an um, an incident concerning Pongo-" Emma rolled from the cuff hoping her quick-wit would carry her through the blatant deception

"Pongo, you say?"

Regina arched a sceptical eyebrow as she glanced directly at the wild auburn-haired man standing in the middle of her office, a panting Pongo sitting attentively at his feet. Pressing speakerphone Archie was now privy to the conversation as she continued to entertain the unsuspecting Sheriff.

"Beach Day?" Archie mouthed

A small nod had Regina smiling devilishly

"You have my undivided attention Sheriff Swan. Please, do continue with the exciting exploits of Pongo, psychotherapist dog extraordinaire"

"Archie called a little after dawn worried about the whereabouts of Pongo, apparently his beloved pooch had magically disappeared into a swirl of early morning mist out by the old toll bridge. Being the Saviour it's only natural I protect _all_ Storybrooke's residents."

"Naturally Sheriff I would expect nothing less. And after traipsing uphill and down dale did you happen upon the missing Dalmatian?"

Regina smiled warmly at the content Dalmatian laying at his master's feet

"I guess… It um-it seems _I will always find you_ is only meant for those who live in or around cities and not fruit loop Dalmatians bounding through forests shrouded in early morning mist…"

Regina's brow furrowed, even in jest the Saviour admitting her tracking skills were anything less than exceptional was, unusual.

"And I was led to believe the Saviour was an exceptional tracker, and would surely be able find a needle in a haystack if called upon to do so. Who knew all it would take to refute this claim was early morning mist and one excitable Dalmatian" When Emma's usual witty retort wasn't forthcoming the brunette continued "I have the distinct impression there is more to glean from your early morning jaunt Sheriff?"

Again, Emma nervously chewed the skin around her thumb. Biting to the quick she winced, digit springing from her lips she imagined her thumb nothing more than a small bloody stub the longer the conversation with Regina continued. Internally debating whether to continue her charade or ignore Ruby and the whole hair brained 'beach day' tradition she came to a decision.

"You might be the only one who gets me after all" Emma groused realising for the first time that after everything they'd been through together maybe, just maybe Regina really did understand?

"You will find we are not all that dissimilar Ms. Swan. Now if you could relate the remainder of your tale, I think you will find you have a fairly hectic schedule"

"Right. Ok. See, it's like this… how was I meant to know that crawling through undergrowth and bushes out by the old Toll Bridge would lead to red blotches, excruciating itchiness and oozing…"

"Poison oak?" Regina interrupted somewhat amused, suddenly aware of the 'price' - _all magic comes with a price dearie-_ attached to beach day, Regina's smile widened wickedly before quickly morphing into a concerned grimace.

"Yes. Oh gawd. Yes" Emma replied scratching imaginary blisters on her skin as if the action would make her excuse somehow more believable to Regina who couldn't even see her "But there's… more-" Emma was on a roll and nothing was going to stop her from spinning her web of lies, besides, getting one over on Regina was proving to be kind of… fun.

"More?" Regina asked incredulously a sudden feeling of dread pooling in the pit of her abdomen "Sheriff Swan, need I remind you of where you reside and what consequences you may face if…"

"I thought a soak in the tub might ease my symptoms in some um, more intimate places" Emma interrupted "But the more I relaxed into the hot soapy bubbles, the more relieved I became, and the more I lost focus. You've got to believe me, I only rested my toes on the faucet for a second-"

"Sheriff I really think-" Regina tried to warn unsuccessfully

"Regina. I've _never_ been so afraid in my entire life. I've _never_ feared spiders. Never, but when the not so little, Miss Muffet's spider sat down beside her-I mean me-it frightened the Sheriff away, and while careering from the tub I somehow, (and for the life of me I have no idea how?) I Somehow wedged my toe up in the faucet. Floundering like a fish out of water, Henry heard the furore and with David's sword aloft burst into…"

"Ms Swan" Regina stated firmly

"Regina I've scarred our son for life. Trust me, some things just can't be unseen"

Sharing a glance, both Regina and Archie erupted into fits of silent giggles, the absurdity of Emma's excuse brightening both of their morning. Slowly regaining her composure Regina played into Emma's deception

"It appears you are experiencing something of a Jonah day. Perhaps in the interest of your own and the towns safety it would be prudent for you to remain at your apartment for the rest of the day?"

"Seriously? Ah Regina you rock. I mean, if you think it's for the best who am I to disagree?"

"Now if that is all, good-day Sheriff"

The call disconnected

Tearing a cheery bite from what remained of her bear claw Emma squinted. Shielding her eyes from the strong mid-morning sunshine she stepped outside

"Beach Day"


End file.
